Higgs Bozos
by Soulless Warlock
Summary: HarmonVerse! Rachel, Finn, Artie, Brittany and Jack film a new PSA on a topic that is making the science world's lips wet. Lovingly ripped off from the RvB PSA of the name. Features Awesome!Brittany, FinnAbuse, IndifferentRachel, StunnedArtie, and ViolentJack, so what's not to love? Read and Review please.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot to this story and my OCs. The rest all belongs to Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, Brad Falchuk, and the boys at Rooster Teeth.**

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**Setting: Sometime before they go on Christmas break.**

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The camera came on inside of the VR room of HarmCo.

"Ready to go, guys?" Artie called out from the control panel.

"Ready!" Finn declared.

"Ready!" Rachel added.

"Go where?" Brittany asked.

"Let's get this rolling, Wheels," Jack said, laughing to himself. "I kill myself sometimes."

The VR room flashed and soon they were inside of a box canyon, Rachel and Finn standing in front of the camera.

"Why, hello there!" Rachel said to the camera. "I'm Rachel Berry from the McKinley High glee club, New Directions.

"And I'm Finn Hudson, from the same club," Finn said with a wave.

"Today," Rachel began with great enthusiasm, "we'll be discussing what might be one of the greatest scientific discoveries of our generation!" A primer appeared behind her of the intended topic. "I'm, of course, speaking of the Higgs Boson, a topic that's made quite a splash in the scientific community."

Finn nodded. "Nerds haven't been this sweaty and excited since the announcement of _The Phantom Menace_."

A picture of Oliver Sachs in Darth Maul makeup appeared behind him.

"Now, for those of you who aren't up to date on your theoretical physics –" Rachel was cut off by Finn's quick, "Everybody."

Rachel ignored her boyfriend's quip and continued with her presentation. "We've put together this little demonstration of subatomic particles. Take it away Jack!"

The camera switched over to Jack, carrying a Spartan Laser Rifle.

"Thank you, Rachel," he said graciously. "Assisting us today is our good friend, and occasional test-dummy, Brittany."

"I concur, Dr. Sergeant," the blonde cheerleader stated happily.

Jack looked at the camera, speaking out of the corner of his mouth, "Now, seeing as she's a few kolaches shy of a baker's dozen, our friend, Brittany, here is going to represent a particle without mass."

Brittany pressed a button and primer of water bison appeared behind her.

"Yes, well," she began, "the Higgs Bison is one the friendliest speices of water buffalo –"

"Shut it, Theorist," Jack said quickly.

"Yeah," Finn laughed. "Higgs Bison is the guy from _Street Fighter_, Britt."

Ignoring how wrong they both were, Jack carried on. "And Finn is going to represent our particle with mass."

Finn smirked. "Because I'm so smart?"

"Because you're so fat."

"Hey!" Finn fired back defensively. "It's not my fault I'm a little overweight!"

"I don't think anyone forced you to eat that entire wedding cake," Rachel argued.

"Well, they shouldn't have made it a two hour ceremony."

"Hey, Muffin Top, shut your cake hole and get over here," Jack ordered.

"Fine," Finn groused, joining Jack and Brittany near a dune.

"For years," Jack began, "scientists have contemplated why some particles," a primer of Chibi-Brittany, running around appeared behind him, "run around at light speed with no mass," the primer changed to one of Chibi-Finn sitting in a chair watching TV, "while others sit around all day with loads of the stuff."

Brittany interrupted the proceedings with a question. "If I have light speed, does that mean Finn has heavy speed?"

"Stop it!"

Rachel reclaimed control of the video. "Although the Higgs Field is just a theory, scientists recently conducted an experiment that they believe just might prove it's existence!"

"How'd they do that?" Finn asked.

"The way any modern scientist would," Jack said, taking the Spartan Laser Rifle off of his back, "by blasting apart subatomic particles with a giant collision machine! It's violent and it's science, and thus, it gets the Harmon seal of approval."

A sign reading "E equals MC-Jacked" appeared on screen.

"Allow us to demonstrate," Rachel said with a smile.

"Wait, how are you gonna demonstr –" Finn was cut off as a laser slammed into his body, knocking him to the ground. "AHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Remember, kids," Jack explained, "real scientists would never rely on the results of just one experiment."

Jack fired the laser at Finn again.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!"

"You've got to account for variables."

Jack shot Finn twice more, ignoring his screams of pain, before lobbing a grenade at him.

"What was the grenade for?" Rachel asked over the explosion.

"Rachel, there's no rule that says science can't be fun. Now, how 'bout those test results?"

Rachel turned to her fallen and bloodied boyfriend.

"Looks like an awful lot of science down there, Jack!"

"Hoppin' hypotheses!" Jack exclaimed as the VR simulator deactivated, leaving them in a bare room. "Now we're one step closer to solving the mysteries of the universe!"

"Yep," Brittany said. "The universe sure is mysterious."

Rachel nodded."And that's why science is here to sort it all out!"

"Yeah," Brittany said, "sometimes I wonder if there's things we'll never explain. You know, like, you know, what if we did answer all the questions?" She turned away from her friends and addressed the camera. "You know, would we live on, like forever, happy with our triumph over ignorance?" She looked back to Rachel, Jack and Artie, who was now entering the room to gather his camera. "Or is ignorance just a common enemy that once destroyed, would leave our species without a reason to carry on?" Brittany shrugged. "I guess it doesn't matter what the answer is…because even if supreme knowledge did bring about the end of our species, the thought of obtaining it is just what would keep us together. You know?"

She took another breath, as if soaking in her thoughts.

"People will always look up at the sky…and just wonder why we're here."

As if this didn't flabbergast her friends enough, what Brittany did next left them all speechless.

"WATER BISON POWERS, ACTIVATE!" she cried before racing off at a speed only seen in a Flash comic.

After what felt like a lifetime of silence, Rachel finally spoke up, "I think that might be enough science for today."

With that, she zipped out of the room…nowhere near matching Brittany's speed, but coming pretty damn close.

"Yeah," Jack declared slowly, "I'm gonna go rot my brains with beer and video games."

Jack chased after Rachel.

"Yeah, sounds like a plan," Artie concurred, following after of the diva duo, grabbing his camera as he did.

With all of that, one would think they would remember something? Like the battered body of Finn, who lay on the ground, trying to get their attention.

"Could you guys bring me back something to eat? Ugggghhhhh…" he groaned. "Preferably something with quesooooo-ho-ho-hohhh."

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**A/N: I can't believe I'm back at a favorite pastime of mine in the world of FanFiction: Ripping off the guys from Rooster Teeth. Not that I haven't felt the urge in a long time, I just couldn't find the right PSA to use until this little gem came along. Then, I just couldn't resist. Hope you all enjoyed.**

**Signed**  
**Soulless Warlock**


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